I had something else planned for today’s blog until I got stuck for a minute… okay it was 20 seconds, but it seemed like an eternity… in an elevator with three guys my age. Oy vey! Why is it men don’t clean their eyeglasses? Has it never occurred to them foggy lenses with big greasy thumbprints can be fixed, or do they just not notice? The dirty glasses on two of these guys could have classified them as legally blind.
I wanted to tap one of them on the shoulder and say, “Dude! How many fingers am I holding up?”
Then there’s the nose hairs that sprout from their nostrils like wayward wire bristles. Women have nose hairs, too, but ours are soft, and we keep them at bay by plucking or waxing. Do guys just not care about these things, or is it because they can’t see out of their glasses? Or what about the hair that grows out of the top of their nose; the grizzled and bushy eyebrows that makes them look like Groucho Marx or the unibrow that resembles Frida Kahlo? And what about the forest of tufted-hair in their ears?
I thought one paragraph would cover “hair,” but I was wrong.
Guys if you have fuzzy back hair, make sure your barber shaves the back of your neck, below your collar line. That needs to be a hair free zone, and while we’re in the area let’s talk about chest hair. I’m not referring to the Tom Selleck, open shirt Magnum look but one that’s more like Grizzly Adams… the bear, not the man. Back in the day I was all set to get to know a certain guy better until he took off his shirt. I don’t remember what I said, but it was probably something like “I think I’m having an appendicitis attack,” or “My mother needs me to change the lightbulb over her sink.” No way, Jose!
Then there are the guys whose breath could wake the dead, or the ones with white flakes on their shoulders. Guys! It’s not snowing outside! That’s dandruff! You can fix that! Where are the wives, girlfriends and kids? Step up!
Keep Dad from looking like a homeless Mr. Wizard. Maybe this is why he’s not having any luck on dating sites.
And what about those long fingernails? Fellas! I don’t want to know what you do with the long fingernail on your right pinky finger, but can you figure out how to do “it” with a shorter nail? Which brings me to toenails and ungroomed feet… and let’s throw-in flip flops while we’re at it.
Please start wearing slip on sneakers or loafers in public. We don’t want to see your ugly feet. Don’t even get me started about guys who wear knee socks, sandals and shorts!!