Humor | 1010 Park Place
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Humor

— Life —

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My mother always told me, “Don’t tell people your problems; half won’t care, and the other half will think you deserve them!
Yes, this RV lifestyle can be an escapist’s fantasy – but sometimes it’s less fantasy, and more horror show! Continue Reading

— Life —

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For two hours, I’ve been trying to get to my desk to work on my book, but first, there were things that had to be done. I walk around the house, barefoot, most of the time, so I can feel when the floor is dirty more than I can see it on this espresso-colored wood. This morning I felt it was particularly crumby from last night’s cornbread, so I had to sweep. And, I couldn’t leave the breakfast dishes in the sink, so I had do them, and the bed… Usually I make it the minute I get out of it, but this morning I needed coffee more than I needed a neat bed. Now I’m rushing to accomplish everything so I can sit down and write.

“What would happen if you just left that stuff until later,” you ask? Well, nothing, except I know I can’t–insert ‘won’t‘–do that. I’d worry about what was undone. Continue Reading

— Life —

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Will someone please explain to me why–and this is not a rhetorical question–smoke alarm batteries always fail in the middle of the night?

Yesterday morning I was snuggled in bed, dreaming I had a bag of delicious fruit-and-cheese-filled pastries, I’d baked, to get the attention of a handsome movie star. (Side-note: Although I am allergic to wheat, I am certain I could have eaten these with absolutely no ill-effects.) I was also certain that my delectables would seal the deal, and I would win his affections.

As if to put a punctuation mark on that thought, the smoke alarm outside the bedroom door went off!

I must have slipped back into dreamtime immediately, because I saw myself fetch my broom, turn it toward the ceiling, and with a swing that would do any polo-player proud, I whacked that little white dome clean off the ceiling. Trailing all of it’s wires like a tiny electronic octopus, it flew straight through the dining room window and out into the night!

I remember my satisfaction upon seeing the starburst-shaped hole in the window, the glowing full Moon right in front of me, and feeling the burst of fresh, cool air. I thought, “I’ll clean the glass in the morning. Now I can go back to sleep.”

Minutes later, on the second chirp, I put the pillow over my head. By the third chirp, my sweetheart, who can sleep through anything if he sleeps on his “good ear,” was also wide awake. I turned to him, “Do you think this will wake them?” as I pointed upstairs to our noisy neighbors. “I hope so,” he dead-panned.

Here it was, 4:30 am and maintenance didn’t open till 8:00. We rose, brewed some coffee, tried to replace the batteries ourselves and surprisingly, couldn’t. So we put in earplugs and sat at the kitchen table in our bathrobes, drinking coffee as if this were an everyday occurrence.

I was writing and enjoying my second cup of coffee, no longer grumbling, when the alarm inexplicably stopped chirping.

Wait… I think I just answered my own question… Smoke alarms go off in the middle of the night because God needs a good laugh!

XO

 

 

 

— Life —

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Over the holidays I read Truman Capote’s Breakfast at Tiffany’s. In the movie version, Audrey Hepburn’s Holly Golightly character opens the door, wearing a sleep mask perched above her eyebrows. As unusual as this may sound, I’ve been a sleep mask connoisseur since my 20s.

Without going into details—yes, I know… that’s where the juicy parts are—my first marriage led to chronic sleep problems. Short of a sleeping pill and a sleep mask, or Vegas blackout drapes, it’s still hard for me to get to sleep.

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— Life —

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I sometimes wonder if I’m plagued with one of those alphabet disorders like “OCD” or “ADD” that are favorite topics of morning talk shows. Or maybe the wiring in my brain temporarily short-circuits, causing the bimbo wires to mingle and override the common sense wires. Usually I come to the conclusion that my reasoning abilities have simply expanded their creative horizons.

Regardless of the underlying cause, Kraft Macaroni & Cheese seems to trigger a response that makes me assign human characteristics to macaroni.

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